pregnancy observations: 13 weeks
some happy news — we’re having a baby! due in december. I haven’t been talking about it with anyone but close friends and family until this morning, so I have quite the backlog of writing to sort through now. It felt so strange to keep it a secret, this monumental change, but also good – like an invitation into a quiet that felt natural. I liked the secret, and I liked thinking about it largely alone. Now I get to think about it with other people!
here’s some informal writing from a few weeks ago. I’m planning to keep writing these little observation snapshots throughout the pregnancy, mostly as a way to remember. I expect I’ll write a lot about pregnancy and motherhood. I don’t really know how to walk through my life without writing. Still, I fear becoming a cliche. Writing about motherhood is so fraught (I have a whole essay about motherhood books in the works). But I write my life, for better or for worse, and the writing is honestly mostly for me. When someone else reads it it feels like a pleasant surprise. So I’ll be writing about my life which now includes motherhood, and never won’t include motherhood again. The days go on and on and on.
the obligatory pregnancy announcement photo for social media ~ even figuring out what to post and how felt so existential.
pregnancy observations: 13 weeks
a nightly shower now feels absolutely essential, where before I was a happy every-other-day-er
at five p.m I turn into a pumpkin, by which I mean I lay down on the couch and put my feet up
so many food aversions to the point that I can’t imagine eating the things I used to eat. my diet is now limited to a shockingly small menu. chilaquiles is included though, miraculously.
coffee is no longer in the picture. I expect it will return to me someday, old friend.
I feel that I am slow to “show”, though my stomach does feel far more round than I’m accustomed to now. I touch it a lot, which I didn’t expect I’d do. when I touch it I don’t think about the baby lovingly or anything, I just feel my skin and notice that it’s different than it was before.
strange pain in my legs sometimes. all my joints feel softer.
my balance is all wrong. I’m terrified I’ll fall someday.
my daily dog walk is often the most satisfying part of my day. I’m also very satisfied by fully completing the dishes each night, which never felt important to me before. not sure if this is the pregnancy or quarantine.
lots of things I’m feeling have me wondering: pregnancy or quarantine? I expect the answer always is, “both, sigh, both”
I threw up exactly once and it was as horrible and baffling as I expected. not as horrible as the unproductive nausea I felt every day, though.
what they don’t tell you about pregnancy is that there’s so much to worry about that you ultimately sort of stop worrying because otherwise you’d actually drown in worry!
my hair doesn’t look any better. my nails are growing rather quickly.
I think most definitively about baby names when I shower. I don’t think we’ll settle on a name completely until we meet the baby. certain souls need certain names, I feel confident about that.
walking through cemeteries is an excellent existential and baby-name-generating activity.
sometimes when I’m sitting on the couch I think about what it will be like to sit on the couch with a baby.
I am definitely worried that I’ll never get any work done ever again in my life. I feel the loss of all my usual ways of doing things coming quickly. I know I’ll adjust, but it’s still a loss. I expect that life with a baby will be better and worse.
I started sewing baby clothes and I’m coming to understand the addiction. this child will be WELL DRESSED!
already completely exhausted by how expensive stuff for children is. it makes me want to not buy anything in advance and just sort of see what we really need and can do without. I am not wooed by the fancy equipment, expensive clothing brands, artisan wooden minimalist toys – it all just feels like weird consumerism that my brain is slowly being trained to desire. Plus the obsession with safety makes me just more worried that whatever I end up with will be somehow unsafe. I’ve monkishly trained myself to hardly ever buy anything as an antidote to the consumerism, which just makes it feel impossible that I’ll buy any of the things I covet – maybe even the things I need.
I suppose I’ll figure it out.
the first baby is always a wild experiment, right?
I find myself hardly reading any pregnancy info on the internet, another surprise. it feels scarier when I read too much. I check in with the app on my phone each week for updates on the baby’s new body parts and what new pregnancy malaises to expect, but otherwise I sort of let it lie.
I’m oddly looking forward to labor. such a mystery! the midwife-run birth center where I’m hoping to deliver doesn’t offer epidurals, so unless there are complications it’s looking like unmedicated is my only option. I keep wondering: can I do it? I guess I’ll have to! I guess I will!
I keep thinking of my already-mothering friends and acquaintances from college as encouraging touchpoints. they’re doing it!, I think. their life is going on!
I often feel lonely. less energy than ever to make friends in pgh. pregnancy (plus quarantine, haha!) has made me even more wildly turtle-like. I do sort of hope that having a baby will help me meet more friends. (play groups!?)
after not eating any added sugar for years (not virtuous, there were health reasons!), I’ve begun eating a sweet fruity popsicle every day. it feels great. I’m already craving swedish fish though. and caramel.
feels like cloth diapers may actually be worth the extra effort? It’s not like I don’t have time. and when I think of how much I’m already adding to landfills with my own personal consumption of various disposables, the thought of adding a truckload of diapers to that makes me feel sick.
I really hope breastfeeding works out for us. we buy such nice dog food for Bobo, I don’t think we have the budget to buy formula too! (haha!) we often joke that Bobo eats better than we do. it might be true.
sometimes when I start to feel grim I remind myself – lots of healthy babies are born every day.